Davina Mispell is the... who?!? (part 1)
While
out walking his dog early one morning, a superstar encounters a stranger
Follower: Hey, oh my God! You’re her, aren’t
you?
Davina Mispell: Yes, probably. Yes, you’re right
I have been on telly. So come on then, who do you think I am then, but I warn
you now I won’t be too happy if I’ve mistaken for Arnie Withercom or Marcel Patcher
as the latter, in case you hadn’t heard has just had a funeral.... HERS!
Follower: No, I mean you’re her!
Davina Mispell: Yes, well that’s not really
helping to clarify matters, is it? As an example of successful communication it
doesn’t actually fit the bill, does it? That’s like saying, that blade of grass
there is a thing while looking at and pointing to a cloud. So if you don’t
mind, I’m rather busy...
Follower: No I mean... sorry but it’s just... Oh forgive me my lord,
I mean... oh! I guess your holiness the correct address is my lady. (Falling to his knees and bowing his head)
Davina Mispell: Ah. I think I see your
problem. You’re basically a mentally deranged person that I should of course
take pity on and call for an ambulance but unfortunately for you I don’t have
time, a phone and we’re in the middle of nowhere so you’re just going to have
to pull yourself together just for a while and head in that direction where
there is a village and where I’m sure someone will help you communicate via the
very real means of a telephone to get the appropriate level of mental health
care you need. I’m just not trained and not cut out for this though. So be a
good man and head that way while I continue on my way in the opposite
direction and we’ll say no more about it.
Follower: But, I don’t understand? I will of course do as you
ask but what’s the message I need to pass on?
Davina Mispell: Er... ok. Errrm. Let’s see
then shall we? How about Davina sent you and that you, (that’s you) received a
message to tell everyone that I need help from a mental health team.
Follower: Davina! Davina says, my lady. Is that right?
Davina Mispell: Yes, that’s right, now off you go.
Follower: You mean it’s all true then. This is wonderful. Who
would have believed...
Davina Mispell: Yes quite. Who would have believed? But it’s
alright now so... off you go. No time to loose etc.
Follower: No, no, quite, yes, but... but... can you just tell me
one thing as I go.
Davina Mispell: (sigh) I’ll try but I warn you I am
running out of patience now. What is it and this is your last chance ok,
because I have work to do.
Follower: Righto. I just wanted to ask if you are in touch with
Davina right now is all?
Davina Mispell: Of course I am. I am Davina.
Follower: I don’t understand.
Davina Mispell: Why
doesn’t that surprise me?
Follower: I mean, have you changed your name since you came
back?
Davina Mispell: Since I’ve come back? Look let’s not even go
there. Changed my name from what exactly because I have to admit I am actually
mildly curious now as to who you think I am.
Follower: Why, the chosen one, of course.
Davina Mispell: Oh brilliant! I mean, just brilliant. Perfect in
fact. ‘Cos now I can actually say I’ve heard it all. And if this isn’t proof of
how screwed up this country is then I don’t know what is! I mean really. I mean,
what do you think this is ‘Life of Brian’?
Follower: I’m sorry, my lord?
Davina Mispell: Monty Python film, a fiction but nonetheless a
classic in comedy. Oh I get it... oh very good. Ok where’s the camera then.
This is just a set up from that bastard (sound
fx including 1920s car claxon, whistles and a doorbell etc) Oh ha ha, you
really had me going too, you total wanker. Come on, the games up you can come
out now.
Follower: Sorry, my lady?
Davina Mispell: The camera crew, the sound technician and that
arsehole director who I never liked anyway. Trust me you haven’t heard the end
of this and when I get back to my agent...
(Davina starts looking in the bushes and
undergrowth for a film crew)
Follower: Are you feeling alright my lady? There is no
one here but us my lord. At least not unless you can see an angel or two, but I
can’t.
Davina Mispell: Right.
That’s enough. You’ve had your fun, now stop! Just Stop. And stop urm... this
verbal fornication and calling me ‘my lady’ all the time as this is serious now
and I mean deadly serious. I am not the messiah as you well know, I was never
call Jesus, I am never going to be called Jesus – I’m not even the right gender
to be Jesus and I am never likely to ever to be anything like a messiah
because... because I swear too much for one thing. And... hang on... what am I
doing!! I am actually trying to justify myself and prove I am not the ficking
messiah! My name is Davina actually. Always has been since my parents decided
to start my endless and torturous career by giving back problems by dropping me
in the font at my christening.
Follower: As you said yourself, “To err is human, to forgive
devine, Davina.”
Davina Mispell: Well there you go, because actually I never have
said that and whatever idiot did say it deserves shooting if this is the
result. You see facts. You lack facts.
Follower: But one doesn’t need facts when one believes.
Davina Mispell: Right that’s it. The camera’s on you isn’t it?
Fucking wanker. It’s you, isn’t it? Go fetch Tosvik! The camera... oh for fuck’s
sake, come on Tosvik, you’ve done it before, don’t let me down now... Come
here...
Follower: My lady?
Davina Mispell: It’s one of those pin hole cameras and I bet
Stephanony Lauretta Pry gave it to you. Just you wait til I see my solicitor!
Tosvik! Well fine, so much for man’s best friend then... I knew I should have preserved
with trying to train the cat. Ok then, I’m not normally a violent woman, but if
that’s what it takes to prove I’m right these days... ‘cos I’ve just about had
enough now...
Follower: (Trying to run
away) No! Please God... she’s gone mad. Your daughter’s has gone mad! Help her....
Fucking hell...! Help ME!
Davina Mispell: Yep you’re right I’m mad and you’re perfectly
sane. Now where is that camera or do I have to use physical violence to beat the
fucking truth out of you...?
