A sketch that didn't make the cut for 'The Tourist's Guide to an United Kingdom'. Enjoy. It is meant to be funny but only you can decide on whether it is or not.
A Composite of Errors
Characters:
Members of a
Democratic society (MoDs), Rocker (a media presenter) and...
a Government Official
or spokesperson (Gov Off).
Rocker: Hello and welcome to Big Answers, the show
that debates the topics that are trending the most and top of the agenda this
week is “Do any politicians do what the people elect them to do?” With me
tonight are highly opinionated members of the public and our so far unheard of
obligatory Government Official. Well what do you expect when we have to
economise on production costs? Who would like to open?
MoDs 1: The answer to that is no.
Gov Off: I really cannot agree with that
statement because I think the evidence speaks for itself. The electorate always
vote for change and whichever government is elected actually always delivers on
that and always has in fact.
MoDs 2: Yes, yes that’s true. I think
I’ll vote for you again!
MoDs 1: Oh do behave, we didn’t ask for
this magnitude of cock-ups did you.
Gov Off: Well as a matter of fact, in a
way you did.
MoDs 3: No I flaming well didn’t! I never
voted for you toffs to cut benefits, cut social and medical services, cut legal
aid, cut education, cut emergency services and the armed forces and I think I
am right in saying no one else who voted did either!
Gov Off: Ah well, you see you didn’t
explain that beforehand you see and not being endowed with the powers of
telepathy we after due consideration and many a debate decided to go with the
changes you did ask for.
MoDs 2: You see I told you they listened.
If I may, I would like to elaborate by a way of a brief recap on what we did
ask for, then we’ll see if the government did as we wanted.
Gov Off: Oh please do, I have a dinner
meeting before collecting my new rubber stamp from the requisitions department,
who also supply red tape in abundance. My old rubber stamp has simply worn away
with over use recently. I can’t fathom why. It’s prompted an enquiry as to
whether or not we should review the materials used for such items as their life
expectancy, as it were, is woefully below expectations and falls short of what
current demands are for such a device.
MoDs 2: Oh really? How distressingly
annoying for you. I can hear my heart dripping as it bleeds for you.
Gov Off: Yes it is rather. Never mind
though, in true nationalist spirit we soldier on. Do continue with your
explanation of what we’ve achieved for you all even we politicians get frayed
by constant criticism and little praise you know. We are but human after all.
MoDs 2: Aww bless you, you poor things.
And thank you for this opportunity to speak for you. With a bit of luck it
might persuade party members to consider me as a candidate for party
membership. Here goes nothing.
MoDs 1: You said it, love.
MoDs 2: We asked for there to be
economies to combat this financial economic crisis, so this government made
cuts. We also asked for a reduction in foreigners being allowed in and this
government is doing its best by making it as unpleasant as possible for them to
enter our country unless they work like stink for less money than we are
prepared to do and... we asked for benefit scrounging to stop and benefit fraud
to stop too and I must say I am thoroughly delighted with how well poor people
are now being forced into thinking about actually earning a living instead of
expecting to get a free meal ticket for doing nothing for this country. And
you’ve even gone as far as forcing the ill into work too before they get
addicted to the idea that they have to be fit to work before trying for it. I
think you’re simply marvellous. I really do.
Gov Off: Quite. We couldn’t have put it
better ourselves and indeed haven’t it would seem. So you see, far from being
unreasonable, uncaring people we, in government are merely doing exactly – absolutely
nothing more and absolutely nothing less – than you, the electorate have
requested. So it does come as rather a shock to all members of parliament,
across all parties that so many of you are er... how does one put this,
dissatisfied with the result. After all it’s not as if many of you were
particularly interested in how we effected these changes that you put us in
office for. Those that expressed an interest we did our best to listen to but
with 60 million people to consider it at times, if only occasionally proves to
be a tad confusing as to how to come up with policies, laws and legislation to
win the popularity I mean approval of everyone at the same time.
I would further like to point out that we have made
significant inroads into economising by making redundancies in the all our government
departments by sacking, I mean sadly making redundancies in the Civil Service.
Successive governments have done this in order to cut down on the volume of
paperwork we would otherwise have to wade through.
Rocker: I
see. So how does that work then?
Gov Off: Well, it gets filed in the
appropriate department.
Rocker: Who
files it?
Gov Off: A Civil Servant of course.
Rocker: Do
these documents get read, summarised and acted upon?
Gov Off: Well, er... yes I believe so.
Rocker: You
believe so, but don’t know.
Gov Off: Why would I know. I am only a
token spokesperson after all.
Rocker: Do you have any idea about who
actually deals with these files then?
Gov Off: By whoever is appointed to do so
during any parliament of course.
Rocker: Who
appoints these people and are they Civil Servants or Ministers?
Gov Off: In accordance with the democratic
process we elect people to appoint. Sometimes it is more appropriate to appoint
a Civil Servant, sometimes a Minister or their Private Secretary. The elective
process is very simple, we drop random names in a hat and whoever loses gets
appointed. With the streamlining of Civil Servants it actually increases the
chances of an MP getting the appointed with this role. The point is that these
files are always to hand in each department and are never lost for ease of
reference.
Rocker: Without
breaching security of course can you give us a rough idea as to where they are
filed or how.
Gov Off: Er well let me see now. Yes, I
think I can although I’m it’s not my personal area of expertise. Each
department, as I understand it files all reports, correspondence and memos etc
in especially designed and dedicated receptacles. They are called BINs for
short.
Rocker: Bins?
Gov Off: Yes, it’s an acronym for
Bureaucratic Information Notifications I believe.
MoDs 1: That explains a lot. Allow me to
translate this time. They mean they file everything in with the rubbish which
let’s face it is the only area of expertise politicians specialise in!
Gov Off: Oh come, come that’s hardly fair.
Governments never throw anything away for fear of legal action against them!
Governments may make laws but they still have to seem to abide by them at all
times.
MoDs 1: Hang on a minute. Just how many
honest workers in the Civil Service did you make redundant.
Gov Off: To be quite candid with you, I’m
afraid I don’t know. I do however know that the target is to get it down to
only have one Civil Servant.
Rocker: For
each department?
Gov Off: Ultimately for being responsible
for the entire administration of all government departments. A response to
calls for not wasting so much time and money in bureaucratic red tape and a
means to ensure that long term only elected MPs will be responsible for admin.
Frankly the current batch care little as they have no intention of reading
every email whatsoever, instead they take samples by dipping in and out once a
week though there are rumours this will be reduced or streamlined down to once
a month. But to answer your question as accurately as I can, I believe the
current figure for the total number of full time government administrative
Civil Servants is about 200. This has been achieved thanks to the marvel of
automated systems which are programmed to back up all correspondence so that
nothing is ever lost as it might be useful one day.
Personally in response to the demand for further savings I
am only on an apprenticeship scheme earn the same amount per week as anyone
else is despite having a weekly allowance from my extremely wealthy parents
which amounts to the equivalent of what some people currently will earn in an
entire year. The principle of my being paid something for my work was deemed
politically correct and in order to appease my father who for some reason
developed a nervous condition involving his eyes rolling every time Mama and I
entered into conversation, I can’t fathom why. When one has a job to do, one
has to abide by the boundaries of that remit. Next year I might well find I
have the opposite remit to perform. Not having a crystal ball one finds one
really can’t comment further on that except to add that one can always try to
choose a job that one enjoys. I happen to enjoy paradoxical and conflicting
roles which makes me rather employable.
Rocker: Well
what do you know, an honest spokeperson for the government. I have a feeling
your employment status will be changing rather rapidly after those revelations.
Gov Off: I look forward to it. I rather
enjoy variety of experiences don’t you?
Rocker: Well I think your wish will be
granted on that one. Leaving that aside for this debate, but I’m sure it’s a
subject for some Parliamentary Ombudsman or other to debate with if not the UN
and a psychiatrist, let’s get back to the question for today. Do the people
think that our government do what we elect them into power for?
MoDs 2: Yes!
Rocker: Wow,
someone who actually believes they do. Who’d have thought it eh? Is there
anyone else or are you a lone voice in the wilderness of a hurricane set to
blow your delusions away?
MoDs 4: Yeah this government is ok cos I
want a return to the good old days where you can be racist, sexist and as
prejudiced, abusive as you like without any meddling from the knob heads in
government. So long as you’re not caught bothering anyone, what business is it
of anyone else’s anyway, eh? I mean that’s what our illustrious leaders have
always done anyway innit?
Gov Off: I don’t think that’s in any
democratic party’s manifesto yet, but if that’s what the majority of the people
of this country want, your wish is very much our command as it were. I’ll make
a note of that for MPs to debate when next in session. Never let it be said
that we in government are not open to radical ideas.
MoDs 1: You ignorant, short-sight prats,
of course it’s not what the majority of people want!
MoDs 3: Hear, hear! Heaven forbid that we
return to those days. We need progress not regression.
Gov Off: Oh really? What a pity I thought
we were onto something easy to achieve for a change. How disappointing because
you see the crux of the problem that you plebs, I mean the proletariat... I
mean the electorate don’t seem to grasp is this. To fulfil your ever louder
demands for change, ever more rapidly, for things like more money in your
pockets, for being rewarded so that everyone can be millionaires (at which
point, I can assure you as I speak from personal experience, you won’t want to
pay 40% income tax) there have to be sacrifices along the way. Money you see
does not grow on trees. At least not yet, but your government, already
anticipating that request has already allocated billions to try and make it do
so.
MoDs 1: You’re off your trolley you are!
All of yer are! Stark raving mad!
Gov Off: Be that as it may, and may I
point out that the electorate voted us into power unlike in communist countries
where they largely accept that someone has to lead for better or worse and
therefore just leave them to it, sort of. They have just as many extremes from
bright ideas on what’s best overall for their people but without the encumbrance
of voting who leads them into chaos. As I was saying, I feel compelled to
repeat a former statement. Money as yet does not grow on trees so in a
democratic nation the electorate quite simply have a choice on what they would
like their chosen government to spend limited funds on. If the voters don’t
like the changes we have brought about they are at liberty to express that by
voting for different changes, but no matter who gets into office next time,
that government will do exactly what you demand of it, though probably not in
any way you would wish it. We thought by now you might have evolved wit enough
to have worked out that this is how all governments work and have worked since
democracy began, but apparently you haven’t. The reason for this style of
leadership is very simple and comes in the form of a well known maxim that you
might of heard of “you can please some of the people some of the time, but you
cannot please all of the people all of time.” All democratically elected politicians
do is try to please enough of you enough of the time to vote them into office.
And like lambs to the slaughter you always vote for personality above content,
for who speaks more eloquently above what they are actually planning.
MoDs 1: Well I know what changes I will
be campaigning for before the next election then. I want a change in bleeding
attitude from politicians for a start.
MoDs 3: I quite agree, but would you mind
not swearing please.
MoDs 1: Sorry darling, but they fair make
my blood boil they do. I want progress not a return to previous centuries when
it became a topic for debate about what to do about the stench from unsightly
poor people cluttering up the street, quite aside from the nasty diseases they
spread. Did the 20th century not happen or something? Was the last
100 years for nothing then?
MoDs 3: Well put old bean! Bravo! Well
put! I mean surely it is better to spread what little funds we have more evenly
and to use it more prudently after all we are an innovative nation are we not?
We’ve still got pluck enough to do this haven’t we? And instead of radical
changes with every new government, couldn’t we just tweak things more
gradually? I mean one never knows whether one is coming or going these days,
does one?
Gov Off: Dear lady, you encapsulate the
dilemma of many a government with that statement but the reality of going with
sensible measure such as you propose is that they are never popular enough to
win enough votes.
MoDs 4: Nah, why bother when you know dam
well it won’t last. History love, repeats itself. Let chaos ensue, dog eat dog.
That’s the natural order of things and mankind has simply meddled too much.
High time you accepted it and your rightful place as a chattel to your masters
and betters.
MoDs 2: Good grief, who let him in? It’s
like some throw back in time.
Gov Off: If I may interject again to reinforce that last point...
Rocker: Oh must you? Lord how they like
the sound of their own voices. Try and be brief pal.
Gov Off: Sadly unless the people of this
great nation choose by democratic majority to abandon or at least streamline
what they demanded of their government previously to change tack again to reverse what has been done in this
parliament, and unless the majority of the public vote for such sensible
measures as investing in all services more evenly it isn’t likely to happen.
Indeed thus far, if memory serves me correctly, the electorate never have made
such a demand of any government in the entire history of mankind so I am pretty
confident it won’t do so before the next election either.
MoDs 1: Oh I see, it’s our fault! I knew
it. I just couldn’t figure out how.
Gov Off: Oh it’s your government’s fault
too in equal measure I think, but there is another factor which tends to upset
the apple cart with tedious regularity and that is the unforeseen. From hostile
acts from other nations to natural disasters and calls for our assistance from
many desperate people aboard – all require considerable amounts of time, energy
and money, tact and diplomacy to safeguard this great country from all manner
of threats including the threat of diminishing its reputation and investments beyond
its own shores. Unless and until we can nationally and globally agree to kerb
our appetite for our own betterment at the expense of others it will always
entail that others go without unless of course everyone chooses to voluntarily donate
as much as possible to the less fortunate among us. Governments could tax you
more heavily but all you do is vote them out when they do that. The
overwhelming evidence suggests that you don’t want that and that’s why we in
government do our utmost to follow your example and your wishes. We happen to
be rather better at it than you because we’re in power and you’re not and have the
advantage of knowing how to wangle systems or change them to suit our personal
interests rather favourably. It’s a career path I highly recommend assuming you
can the last the distance of continual criticism that is goes with the
territory along with all manner of slur campaigns to discredit you from the
media, sometimes justified, sometimes not. The perks long term don’t tend to be
bad and just like any of you who wish to be remunerated handsomely for the
level of responsibility for others you undertake, we are no different. But,
take heart for this government has been investing on your behalf in all manner
of automated systems and environmental safeguards to make the threat of the demise
of the human race and indeed the entire planet is as pleasant as possible. For
example we have given a shockingly large amount of money to science in the hope
that through research and development money will one day actually grow on
trees. There was a proposal to change the format of cash into apples and other
fruit but the feeling was that there was a high risk of fraud thanks to the
arrival of genetically modified foods and the advent of 3D printing so the idea
was squashed and made into a smoothie instead as a result of a recycling pilot
scheme your government thought it would test drive.
Rocker: Are
you serious about that? I mean, you didn’t seriously consider that proposal did
you?
Gov Off: Well we are obliged to consider
even the most unorthodox ideas at times, never more so than in a financial
crisis or when we happen to be caught up in a World War or two.
MoDs 1: You’re sick you are. In the head.
MoDs 3: I fear I have to agree, you’re
all as sick as parrots and squawk just as much.
MoDs 1: No, it’s worse than that it’s
more like a disease that spreading.
Gov: The cause being the electorate.
MoDs 1: Bollocks it being our fault, you’re
like, like... I dunno, like poisonous toadstools pretending to be healthy
mushrooms. We just want enough stability to get on with our jobs but you can
never leave well enough alone for anyone to do anything sensibly without
changing everything. You know it well enough alright but just won’t admit it is
all. You’re crazier than a box of frogs.
Gov Off: My dear chap, I think you’ll find
we all are now. Who is more insane, those who are crazy enough to attempt to
lead in the way that we do or those who vote known mad people into power? say
we interfere with your work, well frankly the electorate dictate through
continually meddling in ours. I would recommend adopting the attitude of “If
you can’t take a joke, you really shouldn’t have joined.” It’s a mere
palliative of course but it does allow one to continue in ones obligations
according to our respective remits. Or to put it another way become a fungi! Oh
I say, I think that’s rather good.
Rocker: And
a very old joke.
Gov Off: Oh is it? What a shame, I thought
I’d become a wit at last. Never mind, practice makes perfect. One day I might
become a fungi indeed I could quite possibly do so if I get buried when I pop
my clogs.
Rocker: Indeed. Well that really does give everyone
plenty of food for thought I think. I’d like to thank our contributors for
their candour (that’s honesty to ordinary folk). Remember you heard it all here
first, but that’s all we have time for tonight. Next time on Big Answers we
debate vegetables – smarter than us or more stupid, and should they have the
right to vote? My opinion is they already do. I hope you can join us. Good
night.
