Wit on Wednesday: What Sane People Say

Davina Mispell is the... who?!? (part 1)
While out walking his dog early one morning, a superstar encounters a stranger

Follower:            Hey, oh my God! You’re her, aren’t you?
Davina Mispell:                Yes, probably. Yes, you’re right I have been on telly. So come on then, who do you think I am then, but I warn you now I won’t be too happy if I’ve mistaken for Arnie Withercom or Marcel Patcher as the latter, in case you hadn’t heard has just had a funeral.... HERS!
Follower:            No, I mean you’re her!
Davina Mispell:                Yes, well that’s not really helping to clarify matters, is it? As an example of successful communication it doesn’t actually fit the bill, does it? That’s like saying, that blade of grass there is a thing while looking at and pointing to a cloud. So if you don’t mind, I’m rather busy...
Follower:            No I mean... sorry but it’s just... Oh forgive me my lord, I mean... oh! I guess your holiness the correct address is my lady. (Falling to his knees and bowing his head)

Davina Mispell:                Ah. I think I see your problem. You’re basically a mentally deranged person that I should of course take pity on and call for an ambulance but unfortunately for you I don’t have time, a phone and we’re in the middle of nowhere so you’re just going to have to pull yourself together just for a while and head in that direction where there is a village and where I’m sure someone will help you communicate via the very real means of a telephone to get the appropriate level of mental health care you need. I’m just not trained and not cut out for this though. So be a good man and head that way while I continue on my way in the opposite direction and we’ll say no more about it.
Follower:            But, I don’t understand? I will of course do as you ask but what’s the message I need to pass on?

Davina Mispell:                                Er... ok. Errrm. Let’s see then shall we? How about Davina sent you and that you, (that’s you) received a message to tell everyone that I need help from a mental health team.
Follower:            Davina! Davina says, my lady. Is that right?
Davina Mispell:                Yes, that’s right, now off you go.
Follower:            You mean it’s all true then. This is wonderful. Who would have believed...
Davina Mispell:                Yes quite. Who would have believed? But it’s alright now so... off you go. No time to loose etc.
Follower:            No, no, quite, yes, but... but... can you just tell me one thing as I go.
Davina Mispell:                                (sigh) I’ll try but I warn you I am running out of patience now. What is it and this is your last chance ok, because I have work to do.
Follower:            Righto. I just wanted to ask if you are in touch with Davina right now is all?
Davina Mispell:                Of course I am. I am Davina.
Follower:            I don’t understand.
Davina Mispell:                                Why doesn’t that surprise me?
Follower:            I mean, have you changed your name since you came back?
Davina Mispell:                Since I’ve come back? Look let’s not even go there. Changed my name from what exactly because I have to admit I am actually mildly curious now as to who you think I am.
Follower:            Why, the chosen one, of course.
Davina Mispell:                Oh brilliant! I mean, just brilliant. Perfect in fact. ‘Cos now I can actually say I’ve heard it all. And if this isn’t proof of how screwed up this country is then I don’t know what is! I mean really. I mean, what do you think this is ‘Life of Brian’?
Follower:            I’m sorry, my lord?
Davina Mispell:                Monty Python film, a fiction but nonetheless a classic in comedy. Oh I get it... oh very good. Ok where’s the camera then. This is just a set up from that bastard (sound fx including 1920s car claxon, whistles and a doorbell etc) Oh ha ha, you really had me going too, you total wanker. Come on, the games up you can come out now.
Follower:            Sorry, my lady?
Davina Mispell:                The camera crew, the sound technician and that arsehole director who I never liked anyway. Trust me you haven’t heard the end of this and when I get back to my agent...
(Davina starts looking in the bushes and undergrowth for a film crew)
Follower:            Are you feeling alright my lady? There is no one here but us my lord. At least not unless you can see an angel or two, but I can’t.
Davina Mispell:                                Right. That’s enough. You’ve had your fun, now stop! Just Stop. And stop urm... this verbal fornication and calling me ‘my lady’ all the time as this is serious now and I mean deadly serious. I am not the messiah as you well know, I was never call Jesus, I am never going to be called Jesus – I’m not even the right gender to be Jesus and I am never likely to ever to be anything like a messiah because... because I swear too much for one thing. And... hang on... what am I doing!! I am actually trying to justify myself and prove I am not the ficking messiah! My name is Davina actually. Always has been since my parents decided to start my endless and torturous career by giving back problems by dropping me in the font at my christening.
Follower:            As you said yourself, “To err is human, to forgive devine, Davina.”
Davina Mispell:  Well there you go, because actually I never have said that and whatever idiot did say it deserves shooting if this is the result. You see facts. You lack facts.
Follower:            But one doesn’t need facts when one believes.
Davina Mispell:  Right that’s it. The camera’s on you isn’t it? Fucking wanker. It’s you, isn’t it? Go fetch Tosvik! The camera... oh for fuck’s sake, come on Tosvik, you’ve done it before, don’t let me down now... Come here...
Follower:            My lady?
Davina Mispell:                It’s one of those pin hole cameras and I bet Stephanony Lauretta Pry gave it to you. Just you wait til I see my solicitor! Tosvik! Well fine, so much for man’s best friend then... I knew I should have preserved with trying to train the cat. Ok then, I’m not normally a violent woman, but if that’s what it takes to prove I’m right these days... ‘cos I’ve just about had enough now...
Follower:            (Trying to run away) No! Please God... she’s gone mad. Your daughter’s has gone mad! Help her.... Fucking hell...! Help ME!
Davina Mispell:                Yep you’re right I’m mad and you’re perfectly sane. Now where is that camera or do I have to use physical violence to beat the fucking truth out of you...?

Whimsical Wednesday: WildeHeads' Archives

From the miscellaneous sketches of 

'What Sane People Say'

Itchy - that urge

Man: No, no, please don’t show me you amassed collection of insect bites. I can plainly see half of them already.

Woman: But you haven’t seen the best one yet... it’s why I’m limping you know as my whole 

leg is swollen in reaction.

Man: Yes, it’s alright, I will take your word for it, you don’t have to... oh you do have to lift 

your skirt to show me it seems.

Woman: Well don’t you find it in the least bit fascinating? I mean have you ever seen I reaction like this? I thought horsefly stings were bad but this isn’t from one of them.

Man: I just know I’m going to regret asking this, but why? What happens with them?

Woman: Oh they are spectacular as they become huge blisters full of watery pus the size of a

golf ball which I then burst, let it dry out and only then protect it with a plaster.

Man: Then WHY don’t you spray yourself with insect repellent or buy antihistamines to 

prevent these things happening???

Woman: Because you told me I should save my money for important things, so I am.

Man: (To himself) I knew it was my fault somehow, just hadn’t worked out how.

Woman: Sorry? What was that? You were muttering again.

Man: I meant you should stop spending money on girlie guff like make-up as I love you 

just the way you are except of course not er... ill or injured. The point is you should not economise on essential health remedies!

Woman: But I haven’t stinted on those. I bought some itch relief cream.

Man: (To himself) Great another turn off.

Woman: You’re mumbling again.

Man: I said great.

Woman: And... what else did your little brain stupidly entice your voice box to add to that, albeit incoherently?

Man: I muttered, if you must know that it was a turn off because I don’t like the smell of those creams.

Woman: Not a lot I can do about that. I would have bought calamine lotion if I could have 

found any but it leaves a powdery pink residue as I recall for smaller pox marks caused by chicken pox when I was a child, so unless you’re turned on by that...?

Man: No stop... pleeease, because what I really can’t fathom is why you don’t invest in the preventative measure to dissuade the little blighters from biting you in the first place? I mean, wouldn’t that be more... well... er... sensible?

Woman: Meaning?

Man: I am not trying to be patronising, I am just trying to help.

Woman: Of course you are, dear. Bless your fluffy little idiotic socks. I do know the difference between patronising and helpful you see. That phraseology of mine was deliberately patronising. And yes, I do think your socks are idiotic when they have ‘catch me if you can’ embroidered on them on a man who couldn’t even run for a bus if it was two feet from his own front

door. But I digress. I cannot buy the preventatives you suggest because of the side effects they cause

which lead to more expense for the chemist to increase their profits by, namely antibiotics and cures

for thrush. So if you are feeling sulky for not being turned on by this little sting and its effects which

should be resolved in a matter of days, think how sulky you’d be if the preventatives put sex off the

agenda for as much as month!

Man: Ah.

Woman: Yes, ‘ah’. Although... I will concede that with the benefit of hindsight volunteering as 

a gardener at the private gardens in the height of summer and carrying out weeding duties when the midges like swarming by the pond in the early evening on a particularly hot day wasn’t my smartest moment.

Man: Awww, sweetheart.

Woman:  Hmmm. But this bite... I’ve never known anything like it as it’s been migrating round 

my leg, while swelling my thigh to twice its normal size and itching as it goes. I had to go to the doctors while you were away this week. I’d hoped it would have healed by now but he was as baffled as me. And I know you’re squeamish about blood and stuff but, in its early stages I had a massive bruise the size of my fist that went all black. I’ve been in agony.

Man: Oh I’m sorry love, and I’ve been a grump bucket all week on the phone too haven’t I?

Woman: Yup. And I was looking forward to snuggles and cuddles with you all week too you 

know which is why I let you grump all week, cos I knew you were up against it at work.

Man: Oh come here, let me give you a hug. Just let me know which bit I can hug so 

that I don’t hurt you and make things even worse than I already have.

Woman: Thank you... (They hug and start snogging) And I do take precautions you know.

Man: Yeah? (He kisses her) Go on tell me then. (He kisses her) What do you do?

Woman: Well on Tuesday I was just about to hang out some washing when a swarm of wasps 

did a fly by. Imagine if I’d been stung by that many!

Man: (He kisses her) I’d rather not, but go on. (He kisses her) What did you do? (He kisses her)

Woman: I stayed inside and closed the door of course.

Man: A wise move. (He kisses her) Well done. (He kisses her)

Woman:  It was a magnificent fly by; scary, but exciting too. I mean imagine all those males 

following that one female to a new home as that’s what I figured they were doing. (She kisses him)

Man: Just like all the men would follow you, if only they knew how wonderful you are like I do.

Woman:  Thanks, but a bit slushy. But the thing is...

Man: (Kissing her) Mmmmm?

Woman:  It is just typical of men though isn’t it? ‘Cos when you males get the ‘itch’ to have sex 

you’ll do almost anything to ensure you get it, which is why women end up raped. (He STOPS kissing her) Not wishing to encounter a male wasp that was lost with all his testosterone driving him berserk, I not only closed the door but slammed it.

Man: Well, one thing’s for sure...

Woman: What’s that?

Man: Well, look on the bright side, you’re attractive to one human male and every insect.

Woman: You what??? Count yourself as an insect then. I mean, you’re opening compliment to me was that you were as blind as a bat so you couldn’t see how ugly I was so there was no point me buying make-up anyway as if that would make me feel sexy!!! And now you’re telling me that only insects would fancy me?  Which low life do you suggest I shag? Though according to your best efforts so far, you still rank as one of the lowest.

Man:  Oh now, you know by now that I’m crap at phrasing things... come off it.

Woman:  No, you started this... which insect do you suggest I shag, an ant, a bee or maybe a spider. And YES I know a spider is an arachnid not an insect but I tell you what, its webs are far more sophisticated and subtle than yours which suggests a higher level of intellect for starters!

Man: Oh honey...!

Woman:  A bee is it then? You know where the bathroom is and it’s stocked with plenty of 

tissues and bog roll so go and wank yourself off before you go and I wouldn’t have you lose any credibility among my gender without your testosterone levels going unsorted. I mean to think how considerate I’ve been all week when I’ve been in this much pain for... for.... THIS! Some boyfriend. Frankly I’d be better off shagging a bee... it would hurt less and they only attack if they’re attacked. Unlike you! (Storms off)

Man: (Pause. He sighs and looks down at his dick) Well that’s cured that urge for tonight then. Sofa it is then... again. And maybe, just maybe I'll get some sleep. Good job she doesn't know who I turned down this week sex wise! I think I handled that very well, considering. 

Myosotis Monday

Tremulous Tread

Tread with even walk, careful mindful step

Upon this solemn sacred hour

For upon rock of stone storm harden swept

Thrusts the crush pressings of this flower.

See it (if you will) nod to kiss swift passing feet

Against the ludicrousies of power;

Its delicate opening is brief, is fleet

Now come to incident in its bower

Miniatured but complete.

This is no accident of time to devour

This frond of blossoming is mine

For found tremulously crowned

Is this moment where pain and joy meet

In a tiny triumphant flower.

*

Picture This... Touching Matters

During these festive celebrations for all faiths and none, I thought of a nice exercise for all even if you have lost or are just not with loved ones right now... or have yet to find the love of your life...

You can try finding a tree that represents your family history as it ... survives.
Draw it, write about it... take a picture of it.
Treasure it and then... help others try to protect it with you if it's in a park or countryside.

Not all can be for all things pass to make way for new life but only when they need to go which is seldom when we are ready for it I know.

When we remember things at their best it is always wise to keep our stories bright and cheerful I think. All our little ones and our most vulnerable need that always and it is not perculiar to any times or troubles that we encounter during our life span.

Food, sleep, rest and exercise can all be done in reverent homage, and silence when we most need it.

Many wonderfully magical and mysterious things you see, dear readers... have never changed because they were never meant to.

Storytime...

Tree-quest

I went for a walk a long time ago now, and yet it was but yesterday. It was a magical walk and an adventure in itself. It was fraught with hazards and dangers just to get there at all so when I arrived at my starting point I wasn't on time at all.

It happened to be the first day of autumn and it was such a glorious day too. I knew there would be many trees to choose one for my family for me to remember them all by for evermore.

So many decisions to make!

Should I go for a young sapling full of life and pushing through? That would be fine if no one chopped it up for firewood or worse. It would have to be protected very well somehow.

Should I go for an adolescent tree strong enough to stand wind and rain for itself, but unsure of other things. It would have to be protected very well too!

Maybe then an adult one, giving birth to new life as if it was as automatic as breathing? Under it's shade in hot or wet weather surely nothing could harm it... unless it was the last one left and no one else cared. So... it would have to be protected too.

I know I thought...

I'll choose a middle aged tree for no one would damage one of those... or would they? The younger ones of other tree types try to, the adolescent ones need the room and the adult ones... keep moaning... tell us then...what can we do next? Seems they need protecting too then.

That left me thinking I needed to find an old tree with many other trees of every description surrounding it so that they could all protect each other and share what little room they had to grow in, just as it has always been... when my species look after them that is.

Having made my decision, it was lucky that I found many places with many trees... and all of them loved and cared for and trimmed and scratched and marked with signs which helped us all to know just this.

Just as with all life on our beautiful planet, we note what is poor or poorly or just low in spirit and do our best to make things better for all life to be happy and healthy for as long as it lives but most of all peaceful... just as a wood or forest should be..

Nature likes to show off and does it better than any or all of us. I mean... just look!

OR... this...

... this,

It was a very long walk of many many seasons, but yes I have finally found my secret family tree! And being a secret...

You promise not to tell... and a family secret at that!!! On second thoughts, I'll keep it to me and mine. Well... quite honestly... it is the best way to keep a secret... is not to talk of it; for families, when they love each other and are at peace and they just know anyway which tree among thousands I've seen I would pick.

My cat has never been with me on my tree quest search, and nor has even the dog next door but they know. And I think... even stranger than a fairytale story's magical creatures are, they know life it self is always too big a secret for any one person to unravel. 

How? I don't know you silly people.... that's why IT'S MAGIC!

Do you think children, that this bovine needs lessons in hiding behind a tree?

Even the twig in front of her nose didn't fool me that she was there, nor the horns on her head either. The one behind her seems to be getting the hang of it a bit better so I think we'll get there... because families just know when they come together to protect all life on this wonderful, beautiful, magical, mysterious, gorgeously marvellous magical planet that lives on for all for evermore, for all eternity and back again so long as we just stay calm and stay away from be being grumpy or angry or bitter or selfish too often for too long.

Oh now, I said it. I am just hopeless at keeping secrets really. Luckily though my global family just keep forgiving me and protect me and keep me safe too.

This is such a relief to my cat and the dog next door too. I found me TREE! HURRAH YIPPEE!

Your turn. ;-)