From the miscellaneous sketches of
'What Sane People Say'
Itchy - that urge
Man: No, no, please don’t show me you amassed collection of insect bites. I can plainly see half of them already.
Woman: But you haven’t seen the best one yet... it’s why I’m limping you know as my whole
leg is swollen in reaction.
Man: Yes, it’s alright, I will take your word for it, you don’t have to... oh you do have to lift
your skirt to show me it seems.
Woman: Well don’t you find it in the least bit fascinating? I mean have you ever seen I reaction like this? I thought horsefly stings were bad but this isn’t from one of them.
Man: I just know I’m going to regret asking this, but why? What happens with them?
Woman: Oh they are spectacular as they become huge blisters full of watery pus the size of a
golf ball which I then burst, let it dry out and only then protect it with a plaster.
Man: Then WHY don’t you spray yourself with insect repellent or buy antihistamines to
prevent these things happening???
Woman: Because you told me I should save my money for important things, so I am.
Man: (To himself) I knew it was my fault somehow, just hadn’t worked out how.
Woman: Sorry? What was that? You were muttering again.
Man: I meant you should stop spending money on girlie guff like make-up as I love you
just the way you are except of course not er... ill or injured. The point is you should not economise on essential health remedies!
Woman: But I haven’t stinted on those. I bought some itch relief cream.
Man: (To himself) Great another turn off.
Woman: You’re mumbling again.
Man: I said great.
Woman: And... what else did your little brain stupidly entice your voice box to add to that, albeit incoherently?
Man: I muttered, if you must know that it was a turn off because I don’t like the smell of those creams.
Woman: Not a lot I can do about that. I would have bought calamine lotion if I could have
found any but it leaves a powdery pink residue as I recall for smaller pox marks caused by chicken pox when I was a child, so unless you’re turned on by that...?
Man: No stop... pleeease, because what I really can’t fathom is why you don’t invest in the preventative measure to dissuade the little blighters from biting you in the first place? I mean, wouldn’t that be more... well... er... sensible?
Man: I am not trying to be patronising, I am just trying to help.
Woman: Of course you are, dear. Bless your fluffy little idiotic socks. I do know the difference between patronising and helpful you see. That phraseology of mine was deliberately patronising. And yes, I do think your socks are idiotic when they have ‘catch me if you can’ embroidered on them on a man who couldn’t even run for a bus if it was two feet from his own front
door. But I digress. I cannot buy the preventatives you suggest because of the side effects they cause
which lead to more expense for the chemist to increase their profits by, namely antibiotics and cures
for thrush. So if you are feeling sulky for not being turned on by this little sting and its effects which
should be resolved in a matter of days, think how sulky you’d be if the preventatives put sex off the
agenda for as much as month!
Woman: Yes, ‘ah’. Although... I will concede that with the benefit of hindsight volunteering as
a gardener at the private gardens in the height of summer and carrying out weeding duties when the midges like swarming by the pond in the early evening on a particularly hot day wasn’t my smartest moment.
Man: Awww, sweetheart.
Woman: Hmmm. But this bite... I’ve never known anything like it as it’s been migrating round
my leg, while swelling my thigh to twice its normal size and itching as it goes. I had to go to the doctors while you were away this week. I’d hoped it would have healed by now but he was as baffled as me. And I know you’re squeamish about blood and stuff but, in its early stages I had a massive bruise the size of my fist that went all black. I’ve been in agony.
Man: Oh I’m sorry love, and I’ve been a grump bucket all week on the phone too haven’t I?
Woman: Yup. And I was looking forward to snuggles and cuddles with you all week too you
know which is why I let you grump all week, cos I knew you were up against it at work.
Man: Oh come here, let me give you a hug. Just let me know which bit I can hug so
that I don’t hurt you and make things even worse than I already have.
Woman: Thank you... (They hug and start snogging) And I do take precautions you know.
Man: Yeah? (He kisses her) Go on tell me then. (He kisses her) What do you do?
Woman: Well on Tuesday I was just about to hang out some washing when a swarm of wasps
did a fly by. Imagine if I’d been stung by that many!
Man: (He kisses her) I’d rather not, but go on. (He kisses her) What did you do? (He kisses her)
Woman: I stayed inside and closed the door of course.
Man: A wise move. (He kisses her) Well done. (He kisses her)
Woman: It was a magnificent fly by; scary, but exciting too. I mean imagine all those males
following that one female to a new home as that’s what I figured they were doing. (She kisses him)
Man: Just like all the men would follow you, if only they knew how wonderful you are like I do.
Woman: Thanks, but a bit slushy. But the thing is...
Man: (Kissing her) Mmmmm?
Woman: It is just typical of men though isn’t it? ‘Cos when you males get the ‘itch’ to have sex
you’ll do almost anything to ensure you get it, which is why women end up raped. (He STOPS kissing her) Not wishing to encounter a male wasp that was lost with all his testosterone driving him berserk, I not only closed the door but slammed it.
Man: Well, one thing’s for sure...
Woman: What’s that?
Man: Well, look on the bright side, you’re attractive to one human male and every insect.
Woman: You what??? Count yourself as an insect then. I mean, you’re opening compliment to me was that you were as blind as a bat so you couldn’t see how ugly I was so there was no point me buying make-up anyway as if that would make me feel sexy!!! And now you’re telling me that only insects would fancy me? Which low life do you suggest I shag? Though according to your best efforts so far, you still rank as one of the lowest.
Man: Oh now, you know by now that I’m crap at phrasing things... come off it.
Woman: No, you started this... which insect do you suggest I shag, an ant, a bee or maybe a spider. And YES I know a spider is an arachnid not an insect but I tell you what, its webs are far more sophisticated and subtle than yours which suggests a higher level of intellect for starters!
Man: Oh honey...!
Woman: A bee is it then? You know where the bathroom is and it’s stocked with plenty of
tissues and bog roll so go and wank yourself off before you go and I wouldn’t have you lose any credibility among my gender without your testosterone levels going unsorted. I mean to think how considerate I’ve been all week when I’ve been in this much pain for... for.... THIS! Some boyfriend. Frankly I’d be better off shagging a bee... it would hurt less and they only attack if they’re attacked. Unlike you! (Storms off)
Man: (Pause. He sighs and looks down at his dick) Well that’s cured that urge for tonight then. Sofa it is then... again. And maybe, just maybe I'll get some sleep. Good job she doesn't know who I turned down this week sex wise! I think I handled that very well, considering.