Saturday, 26 December 2015

Picture This: Punchy Pips

Committal Period

by WildeHeads Silent Radio

The year is 3,016 and having finally sorted out the intellectual copyright laws on the originator of the original full stop at the end of sentences to the satisfaction of overtly aggressive protestors that screw up the lives of anyone even vaguely left reasonably sensible – and what a relief that didn’t take long – we now enter into a new era; an era of relative calm while the same protestors begin their appeal action and commence new proceedings on who is the culprit behind the spot, dot, semi colon, full colon (if you’ll excuse the expression), the apostrophe, the pandemic of apathy and the exclamation remarks and similar such notations and interesting marks.

(We should worry - most of Asia is having a much harder time of it than we are over these critical-to-get-right issues as indeed is the Middle East and of course the rest of Europe).

Meanwhile, back home there are calls for a rebranding of these crucial grammatical aids to be renamed.

The ‘Splot’ campaigners are well ahead in the polls as well as in Poland itself; and while the “urm-not-lout”  and “silly-dillas” are strong contenders in European nations along with the snipped version of the original circumflex currently trending mostly as the “circumstantial-flexibibble”. Over here; among the British population our most popular ideas of new names of old problems with punctuation now include... the semi-detached colon, the wholesome – here comes a suppository-deposition-producing-loose-bowel-barium-meal of mildly senapod induced re-laxative –among others.

We have a suspicion that these will soon be overtaken as new in the top ten suggestions this week at No.3 is the “terrace” to avoid confusion that the apostrophe must belong to something or someone, somewhere at some point so let’s just share and co-exist peacefully please cos we’re all getting a rather tired of all this dysfunctional indecision making now. So, straight in at No.1 is - but first the countdown of this week’s top 10 remarkable ideas to aid commitment to communication of any kind.

At a very foetal Number 10 the non-mover “Fully-detached Dash-it” by The international Muppet Sush Puppies

No.9 Splot from the From The choir of the PTSDs (Perpetually Tired Soooo D e-stressing) – up 4 decibel points

No.8 Triple Jeopardy from Three Dot Funnies is up 10

The awesome hard rock anthem Gruel Prison from Unhinged and Bracketed stays secure at No.7

No.6 Oh no, not more info is down from the top spot from Briefly Shocked Comma and Paused

No.5 Dejected Reject is up three this week from Delete, Delete, Erased and Struckthrough

No.4 Not a clue from Ex-clam-nation is a non-mover so now it’s time for the final three and yes, you’ve guess correctly for once... a brand new number one. Straight after this commercial breakdown

  • Do you think you thought a thought, or did you just feel you felt a feeling?
    Are you confused, abused or just bemused? Tonight on Talking Incessantly we’ll give you the full story behind the head mind benders in our documentary on Amnesiac: Rebels, Knocked-out, Fraudsters or just Knackered? The programme you’re too insane to watch, live on Channel Pix all the time.

  • Tense? Nervous? Stupid and Petrified? Then you need a brain implanted...  Just call “We’ve Sold everything you’ve had and now need your bodily remains once you’ve died 1000 years a slave, on the only number that still works... 0h-oh oh-oh oh-oh. I’ll repeat that again for you... that’s zero, zero followed by zero, zero with a final zero-zero at the end... or if you prefer that Naughty-Nought-Nothing, Nothing-Naughty-Nought and for any armed civilians left especially by the name of Airhead Field Marshall Rommel Pump that’s Zilch-zilch-nowt, Nil-Zilch-Nil... which matches his EQ or so rumour has it.

Welcome back... and now... the moments you’ve been waiting for all week, the final top three.
No.3 Terrace from the Mudslid Slumps Gang – still not moving in any direction.

New at No.2 It’s not mine often or that things so I know nothing’ by Fuckleworth Central

While  straight in at No.1 this week we have ‘Silence’ from Ficklefactors Pedant Data Command Community Centre

So it only leaves me to wish you a very good evening partying to your favourite groove but don’t forget to scrounge some clingy film if you’ve run out of don’t-want-more-babies stuff and wrap it more tightly round all your sexy bits. Try and leave either your mouth or nose uncovered to still breathe without making any noise to sing-a-long to this week’s new Number One Record for anyone who has ever heard a kid - Silence.  Night! 

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