From the WildeHeads Archives of scribbling
What Sane People Say
News just in... Lawyers and solicitors are frantically fighting over who gets which case as the media reveals in entertainments of its own just how the singer Alesha Dixon managed to seemlessly leave the pop group Spice Gurgles to to warble alone, take up dancing and scoring how others do by following her example. In a separate legal action the impressionists have started a campaign of protests at not being able to replicate her new laugh despite Gareth Malone, and Sir Tom Jones, Will-I-Am, Kylie Minogue and Charlotte Church having risked their lives trying to coach them. Most of them are out of intensive care now and have been transferred to mental health facilities.
It is alleged that the story broke at the 2016 New Year's Hootenannyhosted by Jools Holland after the show went off air when a David Walliams once again tried to find out how Alesha Dixon managed to get trained by a dolphin on a trip to Australia. He firmly denied any involvement in this affair as he claimed he was busy doing a puckering up job on the X Factor to the producers while babysitting a well-known former judge on the panel. Speculation has gone wild as to which one this might be now, and indeed which X Factor franchise he's been suckering up to. Some say Japan, while others are firmly of the opinion that it is one from the Americas like Canada or Brazil.
At which point, it is rumoured Alesha Dixon lost all sense of reason and blurted out the truth about Mr Walliams really ended up swimming the channel for millions of pounds for charity; or so it has been reported. According to many sources including fellow judges on many talent shows and their contestants, Mr Walliams was partying on a dingy for a dare at a pancake day party and during a tossing competition fell overboard. Whether the other party goers were relieved or just too drunk to notice has not been clear as none of the partygoers have sobered up enough to get anything coherent out of them yet.
Anyway it all came out big time in another after show spat following a Lip-Sync competition aired on 9th January 2016 on Channel 5. Few people watch this British TV channel so it was hoped it wouldn't get out but what happened was (reportedly) this... Mr Walliams apparently was left in the channel paddling about for about a month as anyone who spotted him either tried to sink him or maybe they were just hurling him survival kit (we're not sure which). According to some he was spotted not only on the British and French shores but the Spanish, German and Danish coastlines. There was even one report that he's reached the cost of Florida but we hardly think that likely.
Once spotted everyone assumed he was a beached whale and did the right thing really in sending him off with a rousing cheer here and there back into the sea until finally he lost enough weight for folk to recognise him as the emmensely talented David Walliams we all know and love today. (It was also quite handy to leave him in cold water for a rather long time to ensure the British isles stood the best chance possible of raising enough money to host some sporting events in 2012 and be credible as caring folk to raise money for charity.
Allegations that it was all to stop him spoiling the surprise of all those marvellous events are totally untrue which is why he ended up nearly getting his head cut off by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II at some award ceremony she does now and then.
This has all annoyed some people who simply don't like talent, charity, sports, arts, comedy, peaceful pursuits or folk that cheer others up. While boffins in the medical profession and in science are working out why this might be we remain staunchly in favour of ignoring such folk unless they seek help themselves in a dignified and civilised manner. After all children are watching of all ages with some suggesting all manner of interesting alternative leaders to political parties including several cartoon and puppet favourites often broadcast on the myriad of children's entertainment channels over here in golden olde bootiful Blighty. Many of these media stations no longer seem to be entirely 100% British yer know which is most odd. There is even talk that there might be some foreigners who enjoy living here and become permanent citizens and even get a British Isles passport and driving licence! Dunno how that one started we thought we just assimulated the best and sent the rest back home like everyone else does except America. However, ITN, Channel 4 (named after Mr Walliams first attempt of swimming the channel) and especially BBC Radio 4 are on the case to reveal more... in due course.
Disclaimer, all mention of anyone in this fictional tale of comedic calamities is entirely by the by when one is trying to cheer folk up and thereby boost morale to save more life on Earth. So we hope that anyone who does wish to try and sue WildeHeads also wishes to match fund all the money needed to repair the damage caused by such an action to the billions of lives it would effect. Oh and the names mentioned above we don't think really exist anyway... cos we admit we are totally overloaded and beyond hope of a cure for our mental health conditions now. - Mel Dixon Founder of WildeHeads