Wednesday, 27 January 2016

Wednesday Wheeze for the BBC-easies (C-4 I-TV teasies)

Writers Wednesday – Right?

Now settle down everyone as one is not bemused. We checked our diaries and yes, officially it’s our turn to sulk and be stroppy – gosh so soon too but we have been patient and as you know, being British we’re not ones to jump the queue. So to business then -

First off, some clown behind the scenes at Channel 4, the BBC or ITV has seen fit to scrawl some minor drama along the lines of a Dickensian or Austenonian tale. Where they get these ideas from we at WildeHeads dread to think but it's rather put our own schedule on hold. 

We now suspect that British TV channels are run by rather obnoxious head teachers. You know the sort – all born at the age of 512 from a fact-hunting fictional book of dubious moral character. Conceived at some literary book launch or reading so the provenance is impossible to trace with all those dust covers being swapped and loose fliers flitting about.

Head teachers are a bit like birds of prey really bar being proficient or efficient at anything other than hovering over voids, wasted land and vacant spaces looking for anyone caught sneaking about and pinching materials from others and just like the feathered prefect predators they swoop in and tear strips off hard working folk beneath them. They’re favoured diet is vermin but nasty biting insects will do. As you know there are very few head teachers of any subject that are actually vegans or vegetarians and sadly only the most carnivorous seem to thrive on poisonous critters ever reach the very top.

They have secret meetings and conferences when they’re not plotting more tests and changing the rules all the time to confuse everyone. Having studied them at length (from a safe distance) we can now exclusively reveal that they don’t actually eat anything at all except their own words which they spend their spare time inventing to confuse everyone and ensure they never starve should they run out of us decent folk to feed on. It has come to our attention that as they age they can’t tell the difference between the rancid and the fetid, the nourishing, the indigestible and the merely unpalatable.  Why this happens we don’t really know but we do understand it’s highly contagious and therefore not very helpful.

There are exceptions of course. For truth to tell, to become a headache engendering head-teacher, you first have to be trained to become a book yourself and then start at the beginning again to learn how to teach how to eat your own words. Some of the lesser spotted teachers actually smile while teaching verse while others get you to write lines or draw them which is worse - although we note that “l.i.n.e.s” is only five letters and does not take long if you tie the scribing implements together beforehand, so no snorting in the back row!

Top Ten Tips to annoy teachers include:

  1. Ask ‘why’ in response to anything they say.

  2.  Comment on why they have turned purple when you keep asking them why they can’t explain themselves and then ask if they need an ambulance.  (Be aware it is illegal to drive a person to their death unless professionally qualified to do so).

  3. Find out which of their colleagues they hate most that day and tell them that there’s been spillage by that colleague all over their favourite books and markings in the staff room.
  4. Find out what part of the world they least like and suggest that someone told you that their parents were born there.

  5. Mention cuts to their equipment and especially their access to research books, phones and the Internet.

  6. Talk loudly about how only teachers who raise more than one hundred thousand pounds sterling per term for care in the community are likely to retain their jobs. When grilled in detention, just say you heard it from a parent who knows someone who knows the postie who delivered the papers to the houses of parliament to debate the matter . . . again. Strangely politicians like the sound of their own voices even more than teachers why is why you should never let any teacher enter the “professional” world of politics.

  7. Only ever answer one in ten questions in class correctly to ensure you won’t be bullied and only do so when asked to answer anything at all.

  8. Tell them your preferred method of learning is to watch documentaries on television although you find children’s programmes extremely educational too.

  9. When required to revise, always insist on listening to protest songs and say you are revising social history of the last 100 years first as you fully intend to become a politician of considerable note.

  10. When all else fails, say nothing and just pretend that you are thinking very hard about something and will ‘get back to them’ with your answer in due course.

Above all, never let a good teacher see this or hear about it as one day... they might become managers or heaven help us horrid head teachers in the media!

There was one that was very good at mathematics once, but sadly his nose fell off at the precise moment he made a monumental contribution that still helps scientists to this day. Sadly the scientists at the time hadn’t been quite so dedicated as the mathematician over nose jobs. They tried papier mache, sticky-backed plastic, gaffer tape and salt dough to glue it back on but in the end had to make do with silver version for public appearances. Some brass those scientists could have used, but they’d used it all up when trading with engineers for something far more riveting.

So there you have it, the inside story behind teachers. Still it could be worse... some start thinking they can sing and become pop stars; some think they can dance, or can clean (do encourage them to demonstrate cleaning and tidying); others attempt to build things or write comedy, would you credit it? Most terrifying of all though is probably those who profess to be good at reports as they tend to be closet reporters – the slimy, balmy, sly snitches! I mean catch us doing any of that!  Oh... Moving on... and now for the Sporting News...

Battered Batty Juiced no score against Lobby Loops Hoops which went on to sink for a duck at the grouse hooting party afterwards.

Weather: incoming and outgoing.

Financial News: Standing to buy or sell which they’ll do we can’t tell. Or to put it another way on the rails but stationary.

And a word from Farming Today: “Waahaaaayhay!”

And the time at the stroke of the last gong is... oh, they’ve taken the pip, awfully sorry, forgot to mention that. I must see the head teacher about that. Yes the time is half past a quarter minus a smidge and a itty bitty mo there or to put it more succinctly. past that shadow of a hair there at the third stroke. Donggggg.... Donggggg....Donggggggg. I think Big Ben might need another wash and brush up, yer know. Difficult to tell from this dangle, I mean angle.

Health News: Some are healthy and others are not. Some got fit and some forgot. 
In the fitness first stakes well, I’ve always thought Miles Jupp was very phwooooar, but apparently I’ve been outvoted on this by those who have met him. Well done to the radio make-up department for that one.

Which must mean it must be time for... something completely utterably mutter-able from BBC Radio 4, or if you prefer a sing-a-long-again-anon-athon for your charitable donations or... failing spirit levels.

Alternatively on any music stations there’s a hummmph-a-long, humpalong-a-ding-dong with Wavon and many other unmentionable advertisers calling to interrupt rudely with an inter-lube. Failing that there’s always room for mmmmmmmmmmmnom nom nom in the Eight Bells Kitchen hosted by some inebriated and bad tempered chef.

Back to the asylum everyone.

WildeHeads would like to apologise for all offences caused but we’re not actually responsible for any of them really and that’s why we get so tired of attempting witty repostie stickers. We so want to write something serious but we have a theory others have got there before us. Our investigations are ongoing...! 

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