Article: Punch - trade secrets revealed

It's a funny thing that one of the many things we all agree on is how we loathe poor business practises in it's myriad of forms from bad HR departments through to aggressive sales practises and appalling customer services, yet the maxim is, "there is no such thing as bad publicity." I would beg to differ as enough bad publicity really ought to result in any organisation, enterprise or business failing or at least result in it being overhauled sensibly in the case of government departments and services to the public.

When you make contact with such organisations and services you often waste your phone bill waiting for someone to answer or waste time and money on emails and letters sent to either get no response at all, abusive response or fobbed off entirely. Such practises should indicate that the service (or product) is not worth the hassle of seeking via that supplier. Things become more difficult when there is no alternative e.g. health, education, utility sectors etc. 

If you finally get through often you find the people responding don’t have a clue what you are talking about because they ‘haven’t been trained yet’ or are ‘only temps’ and ‘it’s not MY fault’. Of course it is... you didn’t have to accept the job with no training with ANY company or engage with any enterprise that only employs lobotomised baboons for staff because that is what it’s actually run by. Then again when that's the only work you can get what can you do? You can complain to the authorities that regulate as that is what they are there for and the media is only too happy to support you in that.

If you’re financially stable enough and a humane being you would just leave and take your chances with the people YOU respect. In the case of government we voted them into power or let get in there by other means such as disinterest, fear and apathy.

When you finally calm down enough to explain the problem you often are told that they have ‘never heard it before’ and can’t understand what on earth you are talking about. BULLSHIT. They hear it all the time AND it’s what they complain about all the time  themselves! Does it change anything... er no. At least, not as often or as speedily as it should in the case of larger organisations who can afford to lose thousands of customers a day by being rude to them or non-responsive... or can they? From supermarkets to mobile phone providers, customers are getting increasingly adept at naming and shaming and voting with their purses and wallets.

When organisations do a fix of the problem it can get worse, so they do another fix based on the bad practises they started with to make matters worse. So you go to their competitor and it it can be the same story but with more buttons and prettier and more plentiful flashing lights! If your computer program does not work in so far as being able to save things or edit things without a glitch do you REALLY think all those bright new shiny flashy things on your NEW gadget will work any better? I mean really, do you?

How often do you use the extra shiny flashy things anyway? The more we have the more confused we get! At this rate chalk, slate and carrier pigeons will soon be the height of fashion again so it’s best to invest in them early if you want to make a killing financially.

Oh... and then there’s the accounts department that never compensates you and we wonder why we end up in a financial crisis when we refuse to spend what money we have and just stuff it under our matresses instead.

It's as if, if we’re not corrupt we are inefficient, if we’re not inefficient we’re stupid and if we are not any of those we are having a breakdown which puts extra strain and pressure on poor sods like me who’s duty it is to mop up and fix things properly only we can’t now because we all just want to have our breakdowns en masse in piece and quiet thereby transferring the pressure and mayhem to someone else for them to take their turn at having a breakdown later. Er... that ain't gonna help.

“Anyone for Beachy Head,” was actually a comment from a brilliant finance manager (now Finance Manager/Venue Manager/Ops Manager/Tech Manager and assistant to the Managing Director of the entire company due to cuts!) But they and the company are still going because they are that determined to succeed and overcome every challenge that comes their way. At the time I said we’d need a convoy of double decker buses to get to Beachy Head at least! (Beachy Head has the reputation of being a prime location for committing suicide for those of your that don't know).

Nothing much changes and what does, does so slowly except when people panic.

Well to ensure things change for better more rapidly I’ve come up with a cunning plan that may, or may not involve... a turnip (ref: Blackadder TV series). It depends on whether or not it needs inserting sideways I think. Then again a caber might be better for some customer service, HR and finance alleged professionals.

And it is simply this... I think what we perhaps need is a name and shame customer service blog site that is owned by everyone to cheer us all up and it would help vent some of our frustrations SAFELY without actually killing anyone. No, I didn’t say I would kill anyone with anything... actually being from Irish and Yorkshire descent rather than a turnip, I would most likely opt for something like a shellalagh smeared in pigeon droppings inserted sideways and send in a ferret with a potato to fetch it out again ready for the next arsehole as punishment. I like to be thorough and think ahead. It was the way I got inspired by proper professionals.

Anyway... I was thinking something rather like this... only with much larger boxes to fill in. It’s how I keep my records. I am very sneaky because I then go off and tell regulatory bodies first about bad practises and breaches in the law as prevention is always better and cheaper than cure... and there's always tweeting to the Prime Minister if you have a rotten MP or government department.

Here's just a couple of minor examples from my archives... Blurb.com will be named and shamed next year in full unless it gets it's act together beforehand. I'm over 70 emails of complaints in and they have stopped responding altogether over some basic errors that could be easily corrected if they had wit enough to bother.

Company	Contact	Problem	When	How	Who	Responses	Why	Outcomes	Resolved
Hermes		Poor strategic planning and non-payment of staff who were trying to save them money by coming up with something better	2 years before and during the Olympics 2012
Fed Ex		Poor delivery of goods as customer could not leave signed authorisation note in the street to be blown away or stolen	Oct 2013

I also research the CEO’s history and then nudge the media behind the scenes so everyone can see where we at with regard to making services and company policy and procedures work for customers and service users!

It's far quicker than going through the hassle, time, money and expense of court procedures. I mean let’s face it and be honest, trial by media really has something going for it these days, doesn’t it? AND it has the added benefit of making us feel a whole lot more secure too as others are only too eager to pipe up about their bad experiences and it's all highly theraputic to begin with at least. With all these oh so necessary, must have devices and channels we won’t be short of options to name and shame anything publicly ever again. Just one tiny weeny snag with all that though...

ALL THIS TECHNOLOGY STILL DOESN’T WORK AS IT SHOULD ANYWAY. Internet of things = Internet of dreams is more akin to the internet of doom, despair, rant and vitriol and personal abuse unless you can phrase things politely, ethically and with logical argument... it takes practice and I have still not reached perfection on this myself. Being human I don't expect to either.

Brains the size of planets? 

(Ref Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, book film, radio and TV series). It can be more like brains the size of fossilised car parks obliterated by all known chemical weaponry and nuclear bombs! I mean, why don’t scientists and inventors behave as such and get opinions first from the point-of-sale customers that will use their marvellous products and services because be assured they can tell you what risks, hazards and potential dangers there are if you ASK them first. Doh!

What I would like science to do before proceeding with any more bright ideas to drive us all insane, violent, to mass suicide or war is to anticipate outcomes more, prior to release of products perhaps with all governments kicking their arses all the way.

So to help with all of that... we need new form of course... As it happens here’s one I prepared earlier, and we the public could get to monitor progress for once... as it happens!

Item to fix	By what date	Why not done	Who’s being sacked	Why not sacked	Is it fixed, if answer is no companies funding by every means possible
Customer service
Website
PC program
Finance
Credit Control
New product or invention
New service

What we also need of course is a list of employers that are breaking the laws of every land for NOT complying with them for all the things they do wrong with money. Personally I will leave you to design that one for yourselves for the list of categories stretches from here to infinity for all eternity and beyond... or so it seems to me. But what would I know, I and my former colleagues in health care only have to patch you AND the transgressors up all the time.

“Which currency would you like to pay for your health, social services, charities and ‘benefits’ in? Blood, death, war or cash sirs?"

 Mindwalking

However, here are just a few of the more notable names in my historic list so far of those who have not abided by the law or who have tried to sue me for things which were not my fault. ALL of whom I have reported to the appropriate authorities already and being historic cases I cannot comment on their practises now.

Tangelo Designs from Barton-le-Clay (non payment of work)

Leisure Connections, Hertfordshire and Bedfordshire (breach of employment law, non payment of work)

Luton Borough Council (breach of employment law, awful HR department)

Aylesbury Vale District Council (breach of employment law)

Rushmere Wynne plc (Corrupt business practises, company long since taken over YAY!)

The list continues to grow. Still outstanding for reforms which are under way is of course...

Department of Work and Pensions (non payment of entitled benefits)

It remains to be seen as to whether or not the current overhaul will fix the basic essentials properly or not. So far it isn't for too many people. Then we'll have an election which may or may not result in it all being changed back to what it was before again I suppose. And they call this progress! 

I can say all this because to me it matters not how or when I die, others will ensure that these matters are resolved eventually. It would be nice to think that the solutions come in time to prevent the casualty list of those who suffer or die as a consequence of badly conceived ideas getting longer. What is vital here is for our governments to ensure that all organisations DO abide by the ethical laws of their lands when it comes to business practises so perhaps they will take this suggestion... 

Dear Governments

Please make it easier for everyone to report illegal practises by providing us all with the necessary vehicles to do so and the appropriate regulatory authorities to force compensation out of those who cause the financial abuse of others to the detriment of the whole economy globally. Perhaps several dedicated websites to that purpose might help. #Justsaying, #justanidea. 

High time that nice companies, enterprises and organisations ALWAYS finished first. High time that in the event of economic collapse there are safeguards in place to prevent community services, vital to the health of any nation ever being in any jeopardy of failing to save lives and prevent suffering.

Just because things have always been this way does not mean they have to remain in chaos. We all have a part to play in preventing disasters no matter what our role, position, background or personal circumstances may be. I am a 'positive possibilitist' I hope, dear readers, you are too. 

Keep calm, keep focused, be considerate of all and above all play nicely and fairly and maybe we can eradicate corruption, cruelty, poverty and abuse of all kinds from our planet in as little as 100 years. For that to happen it requires teamwork as never before as we now live in a world that is totally connected financially. What we now need to do is be in agreement ethically. What matters is not what mistakes are made, but how we resolve them sensibly for a healthy future for every individual on this beautiful planet so that all may achieve something of their true potential. Good luck everyone in that endeavour for all may profit, each according to their abilities and desires. Luckily not everyone wants to be the richest or most powerful person on the planet anyway, so why the fear that the rank and file want their jobs? Daft is what I call it. 

Research File: Three essential preparations for success in marketing

Following on from 'The lynch pins of efficiency' I thought it might be worth sharing and extolling the brilliance of a few another group of highly skilled and helpful professionals if you're budget will stretch to be able to afford the employ them. Namely marketing professionals which often double up as sales reps and customer service professionals too.

Customer Services and Marketing departments should, in my opinion at all times, be working closely together. Be aware that although there can be and often is much crossover in smaller companies the knowledge base and skills are very distinctive in what they do. Do not confuse the two disciplines. Both can increase or reduce profit margins of the best of strategic plans for any type of organisation, it all depends on whether you have selected, invested and instructed wisely. The rule of Garbage In = Garbage Out (GIGO) applies to any and all.

For the purposes of this article, I will concentrate on Marketing and follow up with a separate one on Customer Services. For the small enterprise it is debatable as to which you start employing staff to do first. My advice is to go with personnel with who will cover your weakest area in skills, knowledge and interest. As ever it is pointless to employ anyone if you are then not going to trust in what they are employed to do and end up doing it yourself. So if you enjoy marketing and are less comfortable with customer service issues or simply find you don't have that much time for them employ a customer service person, and vice versa.

As a business you should already have identified your target audience for the products and services you offer. You should already have done at least some basic research on the demographics of that (client/customer base including location, ethnicity, age, gender etc), and above all have a realistic idea of what they could afford by way of price. If in that research you discover your target audience cannot afford your pricing it would suggest that you are targeting the wrong people or quite simply pricing yourself out of the market. It suggests you might be trying to promote the wrong thing entirely.

When offering community services this becomes an extremely complicated and complex equation to get right and perhaps goes some way to explain why so many private sector companies would rather steer clear of actual service delivery as the profit margins and therefore sustainability and development prospects are simply not profitable enough (if at all) to be of much interest to them. I personally think that is precisely why they shouldn't take control of such services, advice and experience though are always welcome. The private sector are when all is said and done in business to make money first and last. Products even to disadvantaged groups however are much easier for the private sector to make a profit from.

If you doubt that, just think how successful the private sector is at marketing and selling any and all household items let alone standard office materials. Be warned though... Do not be tempted to mimic their marketing campaigns if you are a small enterprise because such campaigns work precisely because they have the budget to indulge in full-blown saturation marketing techniques across all forms of media... extremely costly and skilled! That said an intelligent bit of wording and imagery makes all the difference between winning an audience or alienating them and potentially losing them forever. Know your target audience or service users inside out!

Selling ice to penguins

The most talented of marketing people could literally sell ice and snow to penguins if it wasn't for the fact that penguins are more intelligent than human beings. Penguins happen to know that ice and snow are resources freely available from nature and know where to go to find it. Indeed no other species needs money to be able to eat, rear young, educate them or house themselves which is why I often find myself getting jealous of them. Sadly, as yet I haven't found a way of becoming another species during a recession! Mind you, other species don't have the time to develop interests and hobbies as we do so I guess it evens out.

The big boys invest phenomenal amounts of time, energy and money in research not least in understanding human psychology. They use that to shape how to communicate with their target audience, which is how they end up seducing us into believing we need or must have things that actually we don't. They create interest in things that have never occurred to us, fear of things that we shouldn't be worried about at all and above all a demand from us that we have never desired before. A good example is of this is chunky bars of chocolate. The exact same chocolate can be and is used to produce a myriad of shapes and sizes and it can only ever taste the same but we are seduced into choosing how we like it presented even as far as having it segmented to make it easier to break.

Every day I try my best not to be tempted by things I don't actually need or never had an interest in, but everyday I fail! That, dear readers is what is it is to be muggle in a sophisticated, complex, dynamic, often maddening and frustrating, fascinating, developed, free market social structure. Like it our not, we all contribute to it and we all seem to have a love/hate relationship with it. If nothing else you have to give these people credit for their ingenuity. So, what lessons and tricks can a smaller enterprise learn and use from all this to help them earn a healthy crust?

Three basic marketing essentials

1. Surveys - As outlined above get to know your audience, what they like, dislike, the language they use - how they tick. We are all customers so think about what how we like to be communicated with as a starting point and this should help you avoid some of the bigger pitfalls if you do nothing else. Before starting any enterprise though you should do two forms of research the first of which is to test if your idea will be of interest to anyone at all by conducting a survey.

Top tips for customer surveys

• Remember everyone is extremely busy, so phrase questions simply  
• Keep the survey short and to the point - ask only things that you absolutely need to know and ditch any that are just too detailed, complicated or that are off the primary issues you want to find out about 
• Never have more than three priorities to enquire about in any survey. 
• Never bombard people with dozens of surveys and always provide a simple comment box at the end for your sample audience to elaborate and speak freely as learning what people hate is as valuable to you as learning what they like 
• Always make comment boxes optional and supply contact details should you strike lucky for people who might well be your first clients.

This you can easily compile a survey manually via hardcopy/paper, but remember there's no guarantee people will mail them back especially if you are expecting them to pay for the privilege - hence incentives such as freebies can be useful but it's more expense to you. Email surveys tend to get higher levels of response, or on the spot surveys for feedback after inviting people to attend an event. There are dozens of online free to use survey programs these days, but be aware they don't usually provide the analytics (breakdown of results) so you will have to work it out for yourself. It's why even the free services are often enticers to those analytics which you then pay for. Be careful some of these links may charge from the outset.

Seven random links to online survey programs
http://www.quicksurveys.com/
http://www.keysurvey.co.uk
http://www.checkbox.com
http://fluidsurveys.com
http://en.surveyshaker.com/shaker/
http://www.sogosurvey.com
http://www.surveymonkey.com/

2. Market research - It is essential that you know your market to gain knowledge of where you will fit in and to help identify your Unique Selling Point (USP). Questions to consider asking yourself include who are your competitors or who offers similar products and services if you are a charity, public service or social enterprise.

You can do this quite simply but searching the net, saving the links so you can refer back to them and assessing if you will be duplicating (therefore in direct competition) or offering something original, new or different in style or delivery. From both your customer survey and your market research you can start to think about pricing, but never before. Even then you have a long way to go to get it right as you have to factor in costs of materials, hours worked, overheads, staff etc. 

For any new enterprise this can all seem extremely daunting and arduous, but it is vital to do this if you are to succeed. Luckily there are excellent business advisory services to help you every step of the way.

As mentioned before in previous blogposts on here, any organisation dealing with the delivery of services and products to the community should try to avoid duplicating what is already out there to provide a broader range to the community. I happen to think that's not a bad approach for private sector too as no matter what you do, we humans are determined to remain fickle so will ultimately choose from whatever the range of options happen to be available at any given time. The broader the range, the more choice we have. In a recession I think it prudent to bear in mind that diversity can only help as it could mean the difference between recovering from an economic crisis quickly or it deepening.

You can back that bit of research up with exploring what the current trends are for any given industry sector, again online and some are free er... at least initially! Most will offer a 30 day trial period to get you interested in purchasing their services, but my advice is don't until your budget can sustain such a cost comfortably and until you business is sufficiently developed to warrant it i.e. you've employed your first marketing person who should understand how to get the most out of such services.

At the end of the day, even global marketing service companies don't want to waste time and effort on customers who cannot afford to pay for their services or products. They should all be delighted for you to test drive them though as word of mouth and feedback can only help them. Expect lots of emails if you sign up to any of these things, even if you close your account. Fair warning, I feel. Most of these cover global markets, but the more precise you are when you ask your search engine (google, yahoo etc) to find something, the more of a match the results will be.

8 random links to industry trend and analysis information
http://atlasnetwork.org
http://www.gekkomarkets.com
http://trendwatching.com
http://www.bizstats.com/
http://www.businessmonitor.com/bmo/
http://www.satellitemarkets.com/
http://www.tableausoftware.com
http://www.demographicsonline.com

In addition there are countless blogsites, website, books, magazines etc on what is 'hot' and what is 'not'. It is what you will eventually need to learn about if you are successful enough to make it big, but even for the smaller business, small snippets from such sources of information can make all the difference between avoiding launching something at the wrong moment or not. Timing, in marketing can be everything. Here are three more examples of some other online resources useful for research, again at random, note that Mashable is industry sector specific therefore there is bound to be something somewhere on the net for your industry sector I would hope.

http://resources.mediatrust.org
http://mashable.com/
http://www.profitero.com/

3. Unique Selling Point (USP) - arguably the most crucial moment in launching a new enterprise, product or service. Identifying your unique selling point needs careful consideration and should not be rushed if you want to succeed. You will find, as I am right not that it will need refining as you develop. It is, if anything an evolving beast because you should always be aware of trends and changes in what your target audience likes, dislikes and develops new interests in. You might trigger those things or you might not. That in essence is the difference between success and failure - the ability to adapt and change when those two key elements do.

Three golden tips on identifying your USP

• Do not based it on price and leave it at that. Yes price matters but has been categorically proved not to be the ultimate deciding factor to winning customers and clients
• Do not base it on customer service alone. As above!
• Do look at the detail of what your are proposing to offer, the how, what, why, when, who and how as that is what will make all the difference in the world

In conclusion, I hope this will help you to understand why it is that charities, public services, community organisation and social enterprises all have such a hard time of it to just get themselves noticed in any marketplace. I hope this will help explain why so much money now has to be spent on marketing for global charities such as The British Red Cross and why what salaries are paid are actually really good value for money as they seldom reflect the skills - let alone the man hours - of those making these things happen at all.

Research File: Finding funding

Any project needs funding and companies and organisations, never more so when starting out with something new. WildeHeads is totally reliant on my own meagre means and is currently not seeking funding of any kind at this point. My aim at this point is to secure work to develop revenue, but I don't rule out the suggestions I making below at some point. So what alternatives are there for organisations with no capital at all?

Grant/Award funding maybe everyone’s first choice, but it isn’t the only option particularly when it comes to starting up a business. If the economic crisis has taught us nothing else, it has highlighted the pitfall of becoming too dependent on them. So loans, borrowing from friends and family, finding an investor, securing a sponsor (or many) and fundraising on the cheap are also options.

Be aware though, that you should only seek funding from sources that fit what it is you’re doing. As it says in the excellent little book of tips from SEEE 80 Enterprise Essentials “Be a train, not an octopus. The octopus organisation drifts with the funding tide, extending a tentacle in whatever direction will attract a grant... A train like organisation knows where it’s going.” (Go to www.seee.co.uk if you want a copy). In effect what this means is that it is wiser to stick to your ethos, aims and direction and not be washed all over the place as that will only serve to confuse everyone, run the risk of stretching your resources to breaking point and push you into areas that are not your area of expertise. It could all too easily spell disaster instead of providing you with the lifeline you seek.

What follows (in no particular order) are ten ideas for creative and community ventures to get you started. As ever, I try to outline the basic principles and do not in any way attempt to cover all possibilities. I simply don't have the time! I try and retweet as many as I happen across, but as I say I am only one person... and am getting busier by the day!

Perhaps too, in a recession we should adopt the attitude of prioritising our needs and avoid being greedy so that everyone can benefit, although in my opinion some enterprises merit as much support as they can get in these challenging times. Those of you who have been following on Twitter will know that I believe money only works when it is moving. Therefore it follows that if we all act as a team to get it moving again then we will actively be doing something proactive and positive about getting out of the recession sooner rather than later. Additionally it can be annoying if a supplier we are used to and get superb deals from goes under, can't it?

Please always remember, I wish to remain impartial and therefore do not and will not endorse or favour any one source over another. You are responsible for your choices and decisions, not I. When I have encountered a good source of support, trust me, I will say so. Yes, due to my time at Trestle and SEEE (among others) I have a soft spot for them, but while I wish them all the best I do know there are other companies and organisations out there who are equally as good. Enough waffle though...

Here's just a taster of some of the links that are out there...

Ten Funding Links
(12 actually if you look closely!)

1. Big Lottery Fund  http://www.biglotteryfund.org.uk/ and Awards for All http://www.awardsforall.org.uk/ - the distinction being the size, nature and criteria for the grants/awards
2. http://www.ehow.com/how_2065824_find-corporate-sponsors.html - a good guide on how to find a corporate sponsor
3. UK Sponsorship - http://www.uksponsorship.com/  - a free database to help link you to sponsors. Many sponsors are looking for specific projects to tie in with their own ethos... you might fit their criteria
4. Find Sponsorship - http://www.findsponsorship.co.uk/ - as above
5. Arts Council England -  http://www.artscouncil.org.uk/ and  http://www.craftscouncil.org.uk/ - for all things creative
6. UK Business Funding Centre -  http://www.ukbusinessgrants.org/
7. The Directory of Social Change http://www.governmentfunding.org.uk/Default.aspx - specifically for the voluntary sector
8. Company Partners -  http://www.companypartners.com/?gclid=COOJx9DYm7ACFVMetAod7SpHYg - if you are looking for an investor
9. Angel Investment Network -  http://www.angelinvestmentnetwork.co.uk/home - if you are looking for an investor
10. The Social Investment Business Ltd - http://www.thesocialinvestmentbusiness.org/ - specialising in social enterprises and projects

BUYER BEWARE!

Criteria is key but so too are Terms and Conditions. For example a sponsor may only require you to place their logo on your marketing material and if their business ethic and activities tie in with yours that’s great. What if they are not a match though? A sponsor or investor may require more than that in exchange which could involve tying you up in all manner of knots - it could end up getting in the way of what you really want to do. The same can also apply for grants/awards and loans.

Research them thoroughly and ask them directly for clear answers. Only say "yes", when you are absolutely comfortable with the Terms and Conditions. Saying “no” to the wrong type of deal will at worst mean putting your plans on hold but will mean you retain control and keep you free for the deal that is the perfect match. Avoid signing up for even a loan without checking the Terms and Conditions thoroughly first. Be careful and read the small print! 

Further sources

The above is by no means the limit of the list of funding that’s still out there. Remember that it is up to you to ensure you meet the deadlines and that you meet the criteria set in all cases.

Simply by tapping in some key words and phrases into Google you can find many more sites (e.g.  “find a sponsor” to get more results). If you are unsuccessful with one source, don’t give up, go and look for another. The more specific you are with your searches, the more appropriate the results should be (e.g. "find a sponsor UK").

You can also make use of Linked In discussion groups, ask for help on Facebook and as I've already suggested post a Tweet asking for suggestions. If you don’t ask, how can you expect a favourable answer?

Finally...

Please feel free to let others know how you get on by posting a comment here or just add more links particularly if you are unsuccessful as it may be of use to others. By sharing such things we can all help each other through these difficult times. Comments are moderated so I can weed out any abusive or slanderous content and their perpetrators so they don't hit the airwaves!

Good luck out there!